"Well...That Escalated Quickly..." - GoT, Basically

Here's what happened on Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 4, basically:

• The intro sequence was sped up specifically to fit Dorne in.  YAY! (dat snake)
• Jaime gazes adoringly/lovingly at Tarth, totally referencing his love for Brienne.
• "Your niece?"  It's season 5, Jaime.  Let's call it what it is...
• Bronn also apparently knows Jaime set Tyrion free.  Is it tattooed on his head in fine print, or what?
• (Speaking of forehead tattoos) Cersei sends Mace Tyrell on a vacation to Braavos.  Yeahhh...  He's not coming back.
• Game of Thrones: Spanish Inquisition. 
• Can you hear that?  It's the writers screaming, "ooooohhh, religion is baaaaad!"
• There isn't enough room to express how much I hate this scene.
• There isn't enough time to express how much I hate the portrayal of the Warrior's Sons here.
• There aren't enough words in all the languages of the world to explain how much I HAAAATE the reduction of Loras Tyrell's character.  He's been reduced to his homosexuality, and now he's getting persecuted for it?  Bull to the Shit.
• LEAVE TOMMEN OUT OF THIS!  HE IS A SWEET CINNAMON BUN TOO PRECIOUS FOR THIS WORLD.... Too pure...
• Wait, whoa, did Stannis just say that Jon is PERHAPS Ned's bastard?  (R+L=J truthers cheer)
• Jon signs a bunch of documents asking various lords for recruits.  He gets to Roose Bolton's and he writes "eat my shit" on the parchment (he doesn't, really, I just like to think so).
• Melisandre seduces Jon.  She flashes her boobs.  Why?  I don't know.  Does anyone know?  Was this necessary?  Is there a nudity quota the producers need to fulfill?  Is Melisandre suddenly possessed by the ghost of Ygritte?  Why???
• At this point I am thoroughly enraged by this episode...
• ...until the touching scene between Stannis and his daughter. (Stannis the Mannis, and Shireen the Queen!)
• Sansa and Petyr in the WinterHell crypts at Lyanna's tomb...  Petryr tells the Harrenhall story about when Rhaegar met Lyanna....  R+L=J truthers scream louder...
• Petyr tells Sansa he's leaving to go to King's Landing for a while.  This is either really great, or really bad.
• Jaime and Bronn arrive in Dorne and almost get killed within five seconds (saved by the gold hand).  Dornishmen have fantastic outfits.
• Good news: The Sand Snakes make an appearance and they are badass and beautiful.  Bad news: They're only on screen for a minute.
• Ellaria Sand and the Snakes find out Jaime is in Dorne.  They decide to start a with the Lannisters by doing something unspecified to Myrcella...probably something violent.  I'm so disappoint...
• Tyrion burns Jorah so hard.  Jorah bitch slaps Tyrion.  That's it.
• Barristan remineses to Dany about his bro-times with Rhaegar.
• Hizdar zo Loraq sings about traditioooooon.  Tradition! (Not really, but really).  Meanwhile people's throats are getting slit in the streets of Meereen.  Barristan and Grey Worm get involved in the longest fighting scene I have ever seen in my life...
• I'm so sorry to inform you that Ser Barristan Selmy is no longer with us.
• I hate this episode so much.  I do not deserve this.
• After the end credits, there text that says "see the Viewers Guide for more on the Sand Snakes and House Martell".  Okay, sure...  Or you could just... I dunno... FEATURE MORE SCENES OF THE SAND SNAKES AND HOUSE MARTELL IN THE ACTUAL SHOW, PRODUCERS!!!
• Was it just me, or was this episode very short?

The "That Did NOT Happen in the Books" Squad:

• Sam: GO!  Sam really needs to be in the Citadel getting his maester chain!
• Jaime and Bronn aren't in Dorne: Jaime is supposed to be fixing the Riverlands/saving Edmure Tully (yeah, I know right?!), and Bronn is supposed to be fucking shit up in Stokeworth.
• Melisandre: Please, keep your boobs away from Jon Snow.
• I need a separate blog to explain the disrespect done to Loras' character and the crazy-making of the Warrior's Sons.  It's lazy writing in this show, honestly.  Loras is supposed to be laying siege to Dragonstone.  The Warrior's Sons are practically useless in the books (and the forehead tattoos?  LOL!).
• Margery originally goes directly to Cersei about her issues (the issues being Highgarden-related, though).  She never bitches to Tommen who is TWELVE!  What the hell is he supposed to do?  All he wants to do is learn how to read and play with his stupid cats.  Too pure...
• I'm over the whole "Ellaria is supposed to be peaceful" narrative, but now that we get to see all four bloodthirsty Sands, I just wish I could see MORE of them.
• And finally.  Ser Barristan is still alive at the end of A Dance with Dragons.  In fact, he has become a pretty important POV character at this point, but who am I kidding?  D&D don't give a care about important POV characters (so long, Arianne, Asha/Yara, Aero, Quentyn, Griff, every other Ironman, Alayne).