"Well...That Escalated Quickly..." - GoT, Basically

Here's what happened on Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 4, basically:

• The intro sequence was sped up specifically to fit Dorne in.  YAY! (dat snake)
• Jaime gazes adoringly/lovingly at Tarth, totally referencing his love for Brienne.
• "Your niece?"  It's season 5, Jaime.  Let's call it what it is...
• Bronn also apparently knows Jaime set Tyrion free.  Is it tattooed on his head in fine print, or what?
• (Speaking of forehead tattoos) Cersei sends Mace Tyrell on a vacation to Braavos.  Yeahhh...  He's not coming back.
• Game of Thrones: Spanish Inquisition. 
• Can you hear that?  It's the writers screaming, "ooooohhh, religion is baaaaad!"
• There isn't enough room to express how much I hate this scene.
• There isn't enough time to express how much I hate the portrayal of the Warrior's Sons here.
• There aren't enough words in all the languages of the world to explain how much I HAAAATE the reduction of Loras Tyrell's character.  He's been reduced to his homosexuality, and now he's getting persecuted for it?  Bull to the Shit.
• LEAVE TOMMEN OUT OF THIS!  HE IS A SWEET CINNAMON BUN TOO PRECIOUS FOR THIS WORLD.... Too pure...
• Wait, whoa, did Stannis just say that Jon is PERHAPS Ned's bastard?  (R+L=J truthers cheer)
• Jon signs a bunch of documents asking various lords for recruits.  He gets to Roose Bolton's and he writes "eat my shit" on the parchment (he doesn't, really, I just like to think so).
• Melisandre seduces Jon.  She flashes her boobs.  Why?  I don't know.  Does anyone know?  Was this necessary?  Is there a nudity quota the producers need to fulfill?  Is Melisandre suddenly possessed by the ghost of Ygritte?  Why???
• At this point I am thoroughly enraged by this episode...
• ...until the touching scene between Stannis and his daughter. (Stannis the Mannis, and Shireen the Queen!)
• Sansa and Petyr in the WinterHell crypts at Lyanna's tomb...  Petryr tells the Harrenhall story about when Rhaegar met Lyanna....  R+L=J truthers scream louder...
• Petyr tells Sansa he's leaving to go to King's Landing for a while.  This is either really great, or really bad.
• Jaime and Bronn arrive in Dorne and almost get killed within five seconds (saved by the gold hand).  Dornishmen have fantastic outfits.
• Good news: The Sand Snakes make an appearance and they are badass and beautiful.  Bad news: They're only on screen for a minute.
• Ellaria Sand and the Snakes find out Jaime is in Dorne.  They decide to start a with the Lannisters by doing something unspecified to Myrcella...probably something violent.  I'm so disappoint...
• Tyrion burns Jorah so hard.  Jorah bitch slaps Tyrion.  That's it.
• Barristan remineses to Dany about his bro-times with Rhaegar.
• Hizdar zo Loraq sings about traditioooooon.  Tradition! (Not really, but really).  Meanwhile people's throats are getting slit in the streets of Meereen.  Barristan and Grey Worm get involved in the longest fighting scene I have ever seen in my life...
• I'm so sorry to inform you that Ser Barristan Selmy is no longer with us.
• I hate this episode so much.  I do not deserve this.
• After the end credits, there text that says "see the Viewers Guide for more on the Sand Snakes and House Martell".  Okay, sure...  Or you could just... I dunno... FEATURE MORE SCENES OF THE SAND SNAKES AND HOUSE MARTELL IN THE ACTUAL SHOW, PRODUCERS!!!
• Was it just me, or was this episode very short?

The "That Did NOT Happen in the Books" Squad:

• Sam: GO!  Sam really needs to be in the Citadel getting his maester chain!
• Jaime and Bronn aren't in Dorne: Jaime is supposed to be fixing the Riverlands/saving Edmure Tully (yeah, I know right?!), and Bronn is supposed to be fucking shit up in Stokeworth.
• Melisandre: Please, keep your boobs away from Jon Snow.
• I need a separate blog to explain the disrespect done to Loras' character and the crazy-making of the Warrior's Sons.  It's lazy writing in this show, honestly.  Loras is supposed to be laying siege to Dragonstone.  The Warrior's Sons are practically useless in the books (and the forehead tattoos?  LOL!).
• Margery originally goes directly to Cersei about her issues (the issues being Highgarden-related, though).  She never bitches to Tommen who is TWELVE!  What the hell is he supposed to do?  All he wants to do is learn how to read and play with his stupid cats.  Too pure...
• I'm over the whole "Ellaria is supposed to be peaceful" narrative, but now that we get to see all four bloodthirsty Sands, I just wish I could see MORE of them.
• And finally.  Ser Barristan is still alive at the end of A Dance with Dragons.  In fact, he has become a pretty important POV character at this point, but who am I kidding?  D&D don't give a care about important POV characters (so long, Arianne, Asha/Yara, Aero, Quentyn, Griff, every other Ironman, Alayne).

"Sass On, Sass Off" - GoT, Basically

Things that happened in Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 3

{Note: I decided to stray away from my regular format of blogging GoT because these bullet-style recaps seemed more natural.  I'm not big on writing [eloquent] reviews.  I like to have fun (and poke fun) and writing little blurbs seems to work best for me.}

• I can see why they cut out some characters...  There is so much going on, I almost need to take notes (and I DID).
• Jaqen H'ghar is Mr. Miyagi.  Arya is little grasshopper.  Random other girl is the "sweep the leg" kid.
• Arya loses Needle again, but she has to give it up herself in order to become a Pokemon master, or whatever.  She cries.  I cried.  It's okay, she hides it in a time capsule so she can get it later.
• I have this theory that Jaqen H'ghar is actually dead and that old man from the previous episode is just wearing his skin...  Why the hell not?  This is D&D we're talking about...
• My face during the too-old-for-you Margery/12 year-old, precious cupcake, sweetheart Tommen scene...

• Also, the screams heard around the world in reaction to this scene made it hard for me to pay attention to the dialogue between them.
• Tommen passively-aggressively tells Cersei "you can't sit with us".
• Margery aggressively tells Cersei "you can't sit with us."
• Margery aggressively calls Cersei a dinosaur.
• Margery aggressively points out Cersei's drinking problem.
• Margery aggressively tells Cersei "I'm fucking your son."
• Margery treats Cersei's life so hard for two minutes straight.  Cersei's face indicates that Margery will be dead soon...
• Cersei finds the High Sparrow - a devout old man dedicated to serving the Gods and helping the poor.  Or IS HE???  ...He is.  So he replaces the dirty-old-man High Septon.
• Qyburn is working on a Frankenstein monster.  And, oh my Seven Gods, there's a jumpscare in Game of Thrones!
• Petyr takes Sansa home, but Winterfell, is now Winterhell.  Oh...and by the way, Sansa, you have to marry Frankenstein's other monster, Ramsay Bolton.
• Petyr: "Avenge them!"  Sansa: I know The Avengers is coming out soon, but you need to chill.
• Sansa does what she does best - puttin' on dat fake charm.
• Brienne tells Pod a back-story about how she was made fun of when she was a girl, but Renly was the only boy who was nice to her (this is why she loves him).  And yes, she doesn't care that he's gay (YAASS, GURL!). 
• Jon Snow is still Jon Snow.  Davos is still Stannis' #1 fan.  This kid who is now Jon's squire is still adorable.
• Janos Slynt, a butcher's son, has now become "the butchee"; Stannis approves (I made up a word, sorry!).
• Tyrion and Yukio lock eyes.  I need more Red Priestess Yukio on this show!
• Jorah kidnaps Tyrion to take him to "the Queen" (hmmm, I wonder which qeeen?) (..it's going to be fucking Daenerys.)

The "You're Not Supposed to Be Here" Squad:

• Sam, Gilly and baby, Maester Aemon: Supposed to be on a boat to the Citadel, so Sam can become a maester. 
• Davos: LEAVE ALREADY AND GO FIND RICKON STARK!
• Varys: He's supposed to be vanished after Tywin's death, but I guess he's filling in for Illyrio...Griff...everyone else Tyrion comes in contact with in the books...
• Jaqen H'ghar: I can't complain too much because I love him, buuuuut...
• Margery's naked body in Tommen's bed: GET OUT!  YOU DON'T BELONG THERE!!!