"Well...That Escalated Quickly..." - GoT, Basically

Here's what happened on Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 4, basically:

• The intro sequence was sped up specifically to fit Dorne in.  YAY! (dat snake)
• Jaime gazes adoringly/lovingly at Tarth, totally referencing his love for Brienne.
• "Your niece?"  It's season 5, Jaime.  Let's call it what it is...
• Bronn also apparently knows Jaime set Tyrion free.  Is it tattooed on his head in fine print, or what?
• (Speaking of forehead tattoos) Cersei sends Mace Tyrell on a vacation to Braavos.  Yeahhh...  He's not coming back.
• Game of Thrones: Spanish Inquisition. 
• Can you hear that?  It's the writers screaming, "ooooohhh, religion is baaaaad!"
• There isn't enough room to express how much I hate this scene.
• There isn't enough time to express how much I hate the portrayal of the Warrior's Sons here.
• There aren't enough words in all the languages of the world to explain how much I HAAAATE the reduction of Loras Tyrell's character.  He's been reduced to his homosexuality, and now he's getting persecuted for it?  Bull to the Shit.
• LEAVE TOMMEN OUT OF THIS!  HE IS A SWEET CINNAMON BUN TOO PRECIOUS FOR THIS WORLD.... Too pure...
• Wait, whoa, did Stannis just say that Jon is PERHAPS Ned's bastard?  (R+L=J truthers cheer)
• Jon signs a bunch of documents asking various lords for recruits.  He gets to Roose Bolton's and he writes "eat my shit" on the parchment (he doesn't, really, I just like to think so).
• Melisandre seduces Jon.  She flashes her boobs.  Why?  I don't know.  Does anyone know?  Was this necessary?  Is there a nudity quota the producers need to fulfill?  Is Melisandre suddenly possessed by the ghost of Ygritte?  Why???
• At this point I am thoroughly enraged by this episode...
• ...until the touching scene between Stannis and his daughter. (Stannis the Mannis, and Shireen the Queen!)
• Sansa and Petyr in the WinterHell crypts at Lyanna's tomb...  Petryr tells the Harrenhall story about when Rhaegar met Lyanna....  R+L=J truthers scream louder...
• Petyr tells Sansa he's leaving to go to King's Landing for a while.  This is either really great, or really bad.
• Jaime and Bronn arrive in Dorne and almost get killed within five seconds (saved by the gold hand).  Dornishmen have fantastic outfits.
• Good news: The Sand Snakes make an appearance and they are badass and beautiful.  Bad news: They're only on screen for a minute.
• Ellaria Sand and the Snakes find out Jaime is in Dorne.  They decide to start a with the Lannisters by doing something unspecified to Myrcella...probably something violent.  I'm so disappoint...
• Tyrion burns Jorah so hard.  Jorah bitch slaps Tyrion.  That's it.
• Barristan remineses to Dany about his bro-times with Rhaegar.
• Hizdar zo Loraq sings about traditioooooon.  Tradition! (Not really, but really).  Meanwhile people's throats are getting slit in the streets of Meereen.  Barristan and Grey Worm get involved in the longest fighting scene I have ever seen in my life...
• I'm so sorry to inform you that Ser Barristan Selmy is no longer with us.
• I hate this episode so much.  I do not deserve this.
• After the end credits, there text that says "see the Viewers Guide for more on the Sand Snakes and House Martell".  Okay, sure...  Or you could just... I dunno... FEATURE MORE SCENES OF THE SAND SNAKES AND HOUSE MARTELL IN THE ACTUAL SHOW, PRODUCERS!!!
• Was it just me, or was this episode very short?

The "That Did NOT Happen in the Books" Squad:

• Sam: GO!  Sam really needs to be in the Citadel getting his maester chain!
• Jaime and Bronn aren't in Dorne: Jaime is supposed to be fixing the Riverlands/saving Edmure Tully (yeah, I know right?!), and Bronn is supposed to be fucking shit up in Stokeworth.
• Melisandre: Please, keep your boobs away from Jon Snow.
• I need a separate blog to explain the disrespect done to Loras' character and the crazy-making of the Warrior's Sons.  It's lazy writing in this show, honestly.  Loras is supposed to be laying siege to Dragonstone.  The Warrior's Sons are practically useless in the books (and the forehead tattoos?  LOL!).
• Margery originally goes directly to Cersei about her issues (the issues being Highgarden-related, though).  She never bitches to Tommen who is TWELVE!  What the hell is he supposed to do?  All he wants to do is learn how to read and play with his stupid cats.  Too pure...
• I'm over the whole "Ellaria is supposed to be peaceful" narrative, but now that we get to see all four bloodthirsty Sands, I just wish I could see MORE of them.
• And finally.  Ser Barristan is still alive at the end of A Dance with Dragons.  In fact, he has become a pretty important POV character at this point, but who am I kidding?  D&D don't give a care about important POV characters (so long, Arianne, Asha/Yara, Aero, Quentyn, Griff, every other Ironman, Alayne).

"Sass On, Sass Off" - GoT, Basically

Things that happened in Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 3

{Note: I decided to stray away from my regular format of blogging GoT because these bullet-style recaps seemed more natural.  I'm not big on writing [eloquent] reviews.  I like to have fun (and poke fun) and writing little blurbs seems to work best for me.}

• I can see why they cut out some characters...  There is so much going on, I almost need to take notes (and I DID).
• Jaqen H'ghar is Mr. Miyagi.  Arya is little grasshopper.  Random other girl is the "sweep the leg" kid.
• Arya loses Needle again, but she has to give it up herself in order to become a Pokemon master, or whatever.  She cries.  I cried.  It's okay, she hides it in a time capsule so she can get it later.
• I have this theory that Jaqen H'ghar is actually dead and that old man from the previous episode is just wearing his skin...  Why the hell not?  This is D&D we're talking about...
• My face during the too-old-for-you Margery/12 year-old, precious cupcake, sweetheart Tommen scene...

• Also, the screams heard around the world in reaction to this scene made it hard for me to pay attention to the dialogue between them.
• Tommen passively-aggressively tells Cersei "you can't sit with us".
• Margery aggressively tells Cersei "you can't sit with us."
• Margery aggressively calls Cersei a dinosaur.
• Margery aggressively points out Cersei's drinking problem.
• Margery aggressively tells Cersei "I'm fucking your son."
• Margery treats Cersei's life so hard for two minutes straight.  Cersei's face indicates that Margery will be dead soon...
• Cersei finds the High Sparrow - a devout old man dedicated to serving the Gods and helping the poor.  Or IS HE???  ...He is.  So he replaces the dirty-old-man High Septon.
• Qyburn is working on a Frankenstein monster.  And, oh my Seven Gods, there's a jumpscare in Game of Thrones!
• Petyr takes Sansa home, but Winterfell, is now Winterhell.  Oh...and by the way, Sansa, you have to marry Frankenstein's other monster, Ramsay Bolton.
• Petyr: "Avenge them!"  Sansa: I know The Avengers is coming out soon, but you need to chill.
• Sansa does what she does best - puttin' on dat fake charm.
• Brienne tells Pod a back-story about how she was made fun of when she was a girl, but Renly was the only boy who was nice to her (this is why she loves him).  And yes, she doesn't care that he's gay (YAASS, GURL!). 
• Jon Snow is still Jon Snow.  Davos is still Stannis' #1 fan.  This kid who is now Jon's squire is still adorable.
• Janos Slynt, a butcher's son, has now become "the butchee"; Stannis approves (I made up a word, sorry!).
• Tyrion and Yukio lock eyes.  I need more Red Priestess Yukio on this show!
• Jorah kidnaps Tyrion to take him to "the Queen" (hmmm, I wonder which qeeen?) (..it's going to be fucking Daenerys.)

The "You're Not Supposed to Be Here" Squad:

• Sam, Gilly and baby, Maester Aemon: Supposed to be on a boat to the Citadel, so Sam can become a maester. 
• Davos: LEAVE ALREADY AND GO FIND RICKON STARK!
• Varys: He's supposed to be vanished after Tywin's death, but I guess he's filling in for Illyrio...Griff...everyone else Tyrion comes in contact with in the books...
• Jaqen H'ghar: I can't complain too much because I love him, buuuuut...
• Margery's naked body in Tommen's bed: GET OUT!  YOU DON'T BELONG THERE!!!

Game of Thoughts: "No Gray Area": GOT Season 5, Episode 2

Game of Thrones Recap: "No Gray Area" - Season 5, Episode 2

"You have no idea what people will do.  Even with all your books, and you still don't know..." -Selyse Baratheon

[Queen] Selyse says this quote while scolding her daughter, and upon hearing it, my immediate thoughts were "DAMN RIGHT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DO.  PEOPLE LIKE THE WRITERS OF THIS FUCKING SHOW!"

But let me calm down for a moment...  She is right.  I read George R.R. Martin's books thinking that would make me prepared for this season.  I should have known better; of course the writers and producers are going to want to throw curve balls at every chance they can get.  They're not going to parallel the books, because that would be boring.  They need to keep viewer on their toes.  I'll admit that I saw the book-to-screen adjustments and started to get frustrated, but then I thought about it; I want to be surprised, so this is good.  Otherwise, it would be like watching a bunch of reruns for ten weeks.

At the start of this episode we are finally introduced to Arya.  Last time we saw her, she was saying "peace out" to Westeros and heading to Braavos, using the coin her BFF/hitman, Jaqen H'ghar gave her.  The ship's captain takes her to the House of Black and White, saying she will find Jaqen there.  However, when she knocks on the door, a cloaked old man answers (who strangely looks like he could be my dad) and says there is no one by that name there.  So Arya does what anyone who has just had a door slammed in their face would do - she sits on the steps of the House and recites her Death Note prayer for days...weeks?...  Eventually, she gives up, throws her Braavosi coin in the water, and carries on elsewhere.

Meanwhile, we pick up with Brie and Pod where we left them last episode - within ten feet of Petyr and Sansa/Alayne.  This time they actually interact which is surprising for this show that loves to tease us with close encounters (see Bran/Jon, Arya/Robb and Cat, Arya/Sansa).  Brienne confronts Sansa with her "I swore to your mother" story, but Petyr is having none of that and begins to list off Brienne's unsatisfactory track record of vowing to protect people.  Similarly, Sansa is not buying what she's selling and refuses to go with her.  Poor Brienne.  She has been rejected by both Stark girls.  Since her damsels in distress don't seem to want or need her, what is she to do?  For starters she sticks Valayrian steels through one of the Baelish guard's throat, so that's something.  Despite Sansa's rejection, Brienne still seems determined to make sure she's kept safe from that snake, Petyr, so it looks like P & B will be chasing Sansa/Alayne for a good portion of the season.

In King's Landing, Cersei receives a gift from Dorne (the place where her daughter, Myrcella is being fostered).  Gifts are nice except for when they're your daughter's necklace inside of a viper's mouth.  Cersei and Jaime see this as an obvious threat from Dorne (probably sore about the death of Oberyn by The Mountain).  Cersei goes on about Jaime being a bad father, which is an absurd accusation considering the fact that they both know Jaime had no choice but to not act fatherly to his children in order to dismiss any inscest rumors.  The best thing he could do was join the Kingsguard to protect them, and Ceresi calling him out on his failures is petty; probably coming from grief, but still petty and wrong.  Jaime basically responds with, "I'll be the best father ever.  I'll go to Dorne and drag Myrcella out of there!"  And he will.  And he'll bring Bronn with him.  Oh you thought we would never see Bronn again?  You were wrong!

In addition to Cersei's storyline, we see how she is handling the distribution of power after Tywin's death.  She's aware some power-thirsty lords might try to step in Tywin's spot, but Cersei puts them in their place.  She appoints a few people, like Mace Tyrell, with new titles, and they seem pretty pleased...except for Kevan Lannister (he's Tywin's brother.  You may have forgotten him since this scene is the most he's ever spoken in all five seasons).  He's not having any of Cersei shit and blatantly tells her he will only answer to and work for King Tommen and refuses to be her puppet.  He exits stage left, and leaves the council meeting to go rule Casterly Rock. 

Our introduction to Dorne is the scorned face of Ellaria Sand, Oberyn Martell's paramour.  She's obviously pissed about her lover's brutal death and to make things worse for her, there's a Lannister cub prancing around the Water Gardens oblivious of the conflict.  Ellaria goes to Doran, the Prince of Dorne and Oberyn's older brother, demanding vengeance, urging him to rally against the Lannisters, and suggesting "sending Myrcella to the queen...one finger at a time" (hhoooookay, Ramsay).  Doran obviously finds that idea repulsive and shoots her down, but she still calls him a coward to his face before storming out.  I'm sure Doran has a plan behind him though.  You can see it in his eyes...

Just across the sea in a box on the road to Volantis (to Meereen) we find Tyrion and Varys.  Since they will be in Volantis, I do hope someone, a citizen of Volantis perhaps, will bring up the murder of Talisa Stark, who came from Volantis before marrying Robb Stark...
T & V discuss how Tyrion was a good leader (or servant, rather) while he was acting-Hand.  Over these last couple episodes, Varys just seems to be giving Tyrion a bunch of pep-talks to pull him out of his depression.  He had a rough time last season, so he's reasonably distraught.  All men must die in the Thrones universe, though it's not likely this character will die from alcohol poisoning. (That would but completely unexpected and darkly funny, though.)

On the Wall, Shireen Baratheon is teaching Gilly how to read.  They have a discussion about Shireen's skin condition (called greyscale).  Gilly remembers how when her sisters had it, it made them go mad before they died.  To me, this suggests there's going to be more significance to Shireen's story than I originally thought.
Elsewhere, Stannis pulls Jon aside to discuss how he can win the North's support in his war of Rights.  The Mormonts sent a note to Stannis stating that they only will follow a king whose name is Stark.  Stannis' solution is to legitimize Jon as a real Stark and make him Lord of Winterfell, but Jon honorably tells Sam later that he will refuse Stannis' offer. In subtle shots, you can see Jon brooding over the fact that he has to accept that he will never be Lord of anything.  Ironically, he is elected by his as the next Lord Commander of the Night's Watch three minutes later, and I couldn't be happier for him!

Cut back to Braavos, and we find Arya roaming the streets, killing pigeons, and ready to fight bullies.  Her harassers run away after they see my cloaked dad in the distance.  Arya follows him back to the House and asks him who he is.  A man changes his face and a viewer is surprised to see the face of Arya's old murder-friend, Jaqen H'ghar.  The man and the girl enter the House of Black and White, presumably to teach Arya how to do that creepy face-changing trick, too.

Finally, in Meereen, Dany and friends need to figure out what to do with a man who is suspected of being a Harpy Son.  The former-slave representative (who I'm just going to call Eastern Karstark. [you'll see why]) thinks they should just have him killed, but the former-master (who I'm just going to call Lionel Ritchie) thinks the man should have a fair trial.  Ser Barristan reminds Dany that her father (the Mad King) used to kill his enemies just to make himself feel powerful, and Dany decides to hold a fair trial so she won't appear crazy.
Sadly, most things don't go as planned for her - Eastern Karstark goes ahead and decides to brutally kill the suspect without Dany's consent.  He believed he was doing Dany a favor; the suspect was a former-master who dissed Dany.  Killing him sends the message that the former slaves will not go back in chains without a fight.  Dany is not pleased with Eastern Karstark's actions and has him beheaded in front of a crowd for murder.  She thinks she is dealing out justice and is being a fair ruler.  Her "children" begged for mercy for their "brother", but Dany ignored him.  The crowd literally hisses at her and a riot starts as Dany and friends scurry back to her pyramid.  Thus begins the downfall of the Mother of Dragons, so it seems...  Her own people are now beginning to despise her.
At least she gets to see Drogon at the end of the episode.  But not for long!  He only stays for a few seconds and then he's Dro-gone. (I stole this joke...)

This episode had much more filling than the former.  We are now starting to add the filling to the pie, so now it's looking really tasty.  Here, we are presented with a lot of character conflicts: Whether Brienne should give up or keep her promise to Lady Catelyn; Jaime in a weird spot of being a father to his children, but not ever being able to show it; Jon chooing the Watch, the Wildlings, or a life as a legitimate Stark; Whether Doran should act or stay idle regarding the death of Oberyn; and of course Dany's never ending issues.
There really is no "black and white" is there?  Everything is like a gray area for every character (except maybe for Cersei, whose motto is basically "I hate everyone").


Also, also:

• Yo, I'm still waiting to see Dorne in the opening credits!
• I like how Arya's death prayer got significantly shorter...
• When Sansa asks Petyr about the scroll he got, he tells her that his "marriage proposal has been accepted", but he never explicitly says he's the one getting married.  I swear to the old gods and the new...if this Little-middle-finger sells out Sansa....
• In the books, Arys Oakheart is the one sent to Dorne as Myrcella's protector, but it looks like Jaime or Bronn will be playing Arys' role.  Hopefully neither of them ends up just like Arys', though.
• Lollys' face when Jaime kisses her hand...  This Lollys girl is super cute and I want to see more of her.
• Ellaria's acting is brilliant (this must be why they cast aside Arianne?).  Indira Varma is so sassy and her accent adds a billion and one flavors to her performance.
• I absolutely love how Sam stands up for his bro, Jon Snow, and throws so much shade at Janos Slynt.  Every time I thought he was done ragging on him, he had another one up his sleeve.  Sam dropped about seven mics in about thirty seconds!  Sam the Slayer!
• I kind of like how Allister Throne made a fair enough case against Jon after Sam's speech.  It gives off the possibility that Jon won't win, so you're left with a just a bit of tension before the winner is reveled.
• Who the hell is "Dennis Mallister" and who nominated, him?
• Immediately I noticed how Dany's story here is similar to Robb Stark's.  Robb beheaded Rickard Karstark (see why I called the other guy Eastern Karstark, now?) for killing his hostages without his consent.  Yes, Karstark was on Robb's side, but he showed him no mercy for going behind his back.  Robb called it justice, but it ended up making things worse for him.  The same goes for Dany; the future is not looking good.
• A round of applause for the SFX team for working on a beautiful Drogon :)
• Overall reaction: I am ready for the rest of the season.  LET'S GO! (but if Sansa is hurt, I SWEAR!...)

Game of Thoughts: "Everything and Nothing": GOT Season 5, Episode 1

Game of Thrones Recap: "Everything and Nothing" - Season 5, ep. 1

"The future is shit, just like the past" - Tyrion Lannister

At some point, after crawling out of a crate in Pentos, Tyrion says these words to Varys (who helped him escape from last season's fiasco).
Then he proceeds to vomit on the floor...  If this isn't an indication of the unpleasant events about to take place this year, then I don't know what is.

This season's first episode left me with a bad taste and feeling unsatisfied, and I couldn't figure out if it was because I was over-hyped for Thrones, or what, but I think it's because, in essence, nothing happened in this episode.  Seriously, nothing (besides the death of a prominent character, which I'll get to later) particularly exciting happens here.  Most of it involves characters reacting to events that happened at the end of Season 4.  Other things that happen are mainly characters setting up their roles for the current season.

Probably my favorite scene of this episode was the first one: We are shown two highborn girls walking through the woods.  Viewers can probably guess that this is a young Cersei (blonde hair; red dress, "my dad"...).  She and her unnamed friend visit the tent of a witch/magei/??? who gives her a cryptic reading of her depressing future.  Based on what we've already seen happen in the series, we already know the witch's prophecy is accurate ("queen you shall be, until...another takes your place"; "three children for you...twenty for the king"; "gold their crowns...gold their shrouds").  I'll just note that the show doesn't mention one other little piece of her prophecy, which I'm not sure or not if they'll come back to...but the book readers know what I'm talking about.  *wink*  I basically like this scene because I don't think Game of Thrones has ever tackled a flashback scene in the series so far, and this was well integrated.

After that, we see present-day Cersei and Jaime talking to each other at Tywin's funeral/vigil.  They have an interaction which is not as crazed as it was depicted in the books (which I'm kind of grateful for).  Basically, Cersei knows Jaime let Tyrion out...and she's surprisingly not that upset (well, I guess she didn't like him that much).  Good ol' cousin Lancel Lannister also reappears.  Don't remember him?  The writers thought you might not, so they showed him in the "previously on GOT" segment.  He helped murder Robert Baratheon and had an affair with Cersei.  Currently, he appears to have become more spiritual and humble, donning only a simple robe and a new haircut.  Apparently, he now associates with a group of people known as "sparrows" who are likely religious fanatics.  Lancel approaches Ceresi, trying to show her "the way", but she brushes him off.  At this point, I think she's more concerned about Tyrion being free..and that "wicked bitch from Highgarden."

The Tyrells are, well...being Tyrells.  Loras is still sleeping with that male-Ros, whose actual name escapes me, and Margery hints that she is probably not going to take any of Cersei's shit this year.

We see Brienne and Pod brooding in Nowhereland, and Sansa/Alayne and Littlefinger going West.  That's all we know.  They're "going West".  That's it.

Across the Narrow Sea, Varys and Tyrion are talking, and that's all they do.  Varys tells Tyrion he's smart and he should help bring Dany Targaryen to power for the good of the realm.  That's basically it.  Meanwhile, Dany has problems.  In the book there is so much politics going on in her world, that it's sometimes hard to retain it all.  On screen, it looks like they're condensing her issues to, the Sons of the Harpy and the fighting pits (good enough for me).  When Dany stuck her head (and dragons) inside of Slaver's Bay, she dismantled a culture.  These were shit-cultures, but the people who were content with their cities before she invaded are very, very upset and conflict will keep growing.  This is evident when we learn that a group called the Sons of the Harpy are assassinating Unsullied.  Reopening the fighting pits may help convince the Ghiscari that she is willing to compromise with their customs just a little bit, but does a queen need to compromise?
Also, her dragons are pissed.  Children don't usually react well to their mother locking them in a dungeon...

At the Wall, Jon has to deal with Stannis and his precious claim.  He's still trying to gather up followers, and this time around, he's looking to have the Wildlings fight for his cause.  Jon knows the Wildlings will never bow to Stannis, so Stannis the Mannis suggests making Mance Rayder swear fealty to him, or else he will burn him alive.  Now, the viewers know Mance, so even if you haven't read the books, you know Mance isn't going to bend the knee to Stannis.
So he burns, and it's quite an emotional scene, seeing the leader of the Wildlings put to death.  I don't know about you, but the live burning of a "king" is definitely not what I would call a good sign of things to come.

I would summarize this episode by calling it a teaser.  This was basically an hour long trailer for the rest of the season.  Nothing really happens in this episode, but everything you need to know about future events is laid out right here.  Shit is going down - Ceresi will have more enemies; The Faith of the Seven may cause some issues; Margery has plans of her own; Stannis will stir up the North; Jon will have to juggle his Night's Watch vows again; Tyrion will set out on a new adventure to Dany, but knowing her current situation, it will not be pleasant.  Everything so far is looking grim, so I guess this is why I was left with a bad taste in my mouth after the episode.  We already know that good things rarely happen in Game of Thrones, but with this, we get the feeling that it's going to get much more worse.


Also, also:

• No pre-opening credits prologue???
• Speaking of opening credits- did you see the sigil they put on Winterfell?  Ugh.
• Yes, Arya and the Sand Snakes, and Theon are missing from this episode, but you just wait!
• Dear book readers: they featured Brienne and Podrik for a reason, so keep your fingers crossed!
• Melisandre asking Jon if he was a virgin: Whut?
• Michiel Huisman: making you forget all about old Daario.
• Jon Snow's mercy kill of Mance was a pretty good ending for this episode.  It's shows how he's doing what needs to get done, but he still has respect for the man.  Such a good boy!
• At first glance, I thought Lancel was recast by Lucas Grabeel.
• I like how they cast the woods witch/Maggy the Frog as a younger (slightly attractive) woman.
• Looks like they're setting up Robin Arryn to be practically absent from the show by having him "be in training" at the Eyrie.  Fine.  Whatever.  I didn't want him screaming all over the place anyway.
• The little Night's Watch kid is back!!! 
• Dany sans dragons?  Shit...
• This episode is titled "Wars to Come", which is appropriate.  This one sets up half of the major conflicts we are going to see this season.  The writers are always so clever with their titles.
• Overall reaction: "Meh...oh wait...I see what they did there."